Seasonal Drabbles
by azombiedream
Summary: A summarization of every Supernatural season so far. Some dialogue is word-for-word but often contains reinvented dialogue. Think of the 'Supernatural in five minutes' thing and you're on the right track.
1. Chapter 1

_A SUPERNATURAL FANFIC_

_DRABBLES FROM SEASONS 1-7_

OK, a complete fanfic of _Supernatural_ summarizing every event in every episode of every season in a few, short drabbles. Each season of the show is at least 800 hours long, and there's loads of unnecessary characters there. What can you delete from it?

_Pilot_

John Winchester: You let a monster live, fuck you, Sam. Go off to college if you want to, but I'm not your father any longer, so get the fuck away from me.

Sam: Whatever, minger.

(Many years later)

Dean: Let's go hunting.

Sam: Yeah. Alright. Got nothing better to do right now. Not like I have an outrageously important job interview on Monday or anything.

Dean: Not like you care about your future.

Sam: 'Xactly.

(On the road)

Constance: Come and fuck me, sleazy car guy.

Guy: Yyyyeee...

(Constance eats him)

(In Jericho)

Sam: We're hunting a ghost. See, I've suddenly taken charge even though I swore I was done hunting for good.

Dean: She's over there! (Shoots Constance)

Sam: Oh yeah, I just remembered. I _do_ have something to live for, a job interview. A laywer.

Dean: Fuck you. You want to be a lawyer, you're no longer my brother.

(Takes him home, house is burning)

Sam: Screw that. Not like I've got anyone worth saving in there. Probably some random shit. Let's hunt a fuzzy, furry friend.

_Wendigo_

Hailey: Shit, both my brothers have disappeared!

Cop: Yeah, and not like we're botherin' to look for them neither.

Dean: Hey, whaddya know, some bitch in trouble.

Hailey's brother: Get the fuck outta here.

(In the woods)

Wendigo: HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!

Hailey: That's a grizzly.

Dean: Wish I could tell you otherwise.

(Shoots Wendigo)

Hailey: (Kisses him)

(To Sam)

Hailey: Fuck you.

_Dead in the Water_

Sherrif: And now I'm gonna assume you guys are both FBI, although by the looks of you I haven't met either of you before.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah. We're cops, alright.

Andrea: Oh hi Dad. (To Winchesters) You're hunting some freaky ghost in our lake aren't you? A ghost which I didn't even know my dad killed. And for some reason everyone assumes the ghost is a sea monster, even people who've _seen _the ghost.

Dean: (To Sherrif) You killed the ghost, right?

Sherrif: No don't listen to them, they're liars and they're dangerous.

Dean: (Shoots Sherrif dead)

Ghost: (Explodes)

Andrea: Thanks for putting everything back ta normal.

Dean: Don't mention it.

Andrea: (To Sam) I fucking hate you and I'm not even going to notice your obvious presence.

_Phantom Traveller_

Demon: Heh heh heh... there's a nervous, fidgety, aerophobic guy there. Lemme, lemme possess him and bring down a plane.

(On plane)

Possessed Guy: Oh, I'm fine sir.

(Opens emergency hatch, plane explodes)

(On plane)

Sam: We haven't fooled anyone with our prank calling, so let's do this ourselves.

Dean: Yep, and my ESP doesn't like the pilot. He's the demon.

Pilot: That I am.

Dean: _Christo_!

Pilot: Fuck... (explodes)

_Bloody Mary_

Girl: Hey, I heard of this really sick story about this bloody bitch who killed her kids, and if you speak her name in front of a mirror she'll come out!

Other girl: Let's do it then!

Girls: Bloody Mary... Bloody Mary... Bloody Mary.

(Kayako Saeki appears)

Girls: Uuhhhh...

(In the mansion)

Dean: (After breaking mirrors) This is like... six hundred years' bad luck.

Sam: Oh careful bro, there's a zombie girl right behind you.

Dean: (Eats McDonald's chips and flicks salt on her)

Bloody Mary: (explodes)

Sam: Yep, that bitch reads your guilty thoughts. It's good I didn't let my girlfriend die in a house fire or I'd be screwed.

_Skin_

Sam: A guy killed his girlfriend back in my hometown. Obviously a supernatural murder and not simple homicide.

Dean: Yeah, and what gives? Some supernatural skinchanger pretending to be me!

Sam: (Shoots skinwalker)

Skinwalker: (As Dean) Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!

Sam: (Shoots it)

_Hook Man_

Dean: Ghost going round slashing people open with hook, no such thing as a normal murdering bastard here.

Sam: Lemme go and chat up the vicar's sexy daughter who has just lost her boyfriend in a car accident.

Jacob Karns: I'm back from the dead to kill all the women in town!

Sam: Go to Hell, fatman!

Jacob: I'm not fat... uuugggh... (Dies)

_Bugs_

Solicitor: Question: What is this massive swarm of spiders doing in my shower?

Spiders: The Indians want you dead, white bitch!

Solicitor: Fine then... (screams)

(Meanwhile)

Dean: Fuck you, Sam. All you can think about is bitches.

Sam: McDonalds.

Dean: People in danger, house of bugs, Indian curse... not our business.

Sam: Who said it was?

_Home_

Sam: I had a nightie.

Dean: Ewwww, sicko!

Sam: No, a nightie.

Dean: Awwww... what was it?

Sam: Woman waving from a house window, looked like she was about to be eaten.

Dean: Not our business.

Sam: I'm having nightmares that predict things, aren't you worried?

Dean: (Smirks cheerfully) I never am.

_Asylum_

Police officer: Years ago, doctor experimented on his patients here at this asylum. They rioted and burned it down, killing him.

Police officer: It's meant to be haunted by all those patients, I assume?

Police officer 1: Yep.

Police officer 2: No reason for us to go in then.

Police officer 1: Yep. (They go in)

Boyfriend: As a dare, we'll go in to this incredibly haunted asylum where a policeman murdered his wife after coming home from investigating it!

Girlfriend: Do it, you'll be so brave!

Dean: (Driving past asylum) Some couple in trouble.

Sam: None of our business.

_Scarecrow_

Old couple: Here, apple pie. We're fattening you up to be eaten by our local god. It's an honour.

Boyfriend: I'm sure it is.

Scarecrow god: ROARRRRRR

Dean: Fuck you Sam. You're a dick. I suddenly hate you for some reason. As if we haven't argued enough in this episode. If you leave, don't come back.

Sam: Fuck you, brother.

(A while later)

Sam: Hey, hottie.

Meg: Piss off!

Dean: The townspeople depend on the god. By burning the tree, you'll doom them all.

Daughter: Good.

_Faith_

Dean: Fuck this shit. I have a heart condition, but I'm outta here.

Reverend: I sense an unbeliever in our midst! I'm gonna heal you, using black magic!

Dean: Oh, not this Satanic stuff again.

Sam: Yep, when _can_ our lives ever be normal?

Reaper: I have taken a gay man when you were healed in his place!

Dean: Then you can take my soul.

Reaper: Boo hoo, too late. But I noticed the priest's wife _is_ evil and _is_ using me as a weapon. Heh, guess I'll take her instead.

Priest's daughter: I have a brain tumor. I'll die in two weeks.

Dean: You're not hot, fuck you.

Sam: That's the way to talk to bitches.

_Route 666_

Racist truck: All you niggers get outta my way, for I'm gonna fuck with you!

Dean: That's not very nice. You racist truck, bite this salt!

Truck: What if I'm not a ghost?

Dean: Then that's your lookout.

Racist truck: Heh heh heh... aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggh (dies)

_Nightmare_

Sam: Another nightmare. Aren't you worried, Dean?

Dean: What did you see?

Sam: A man being gassed in his car.

Dean: Like I said, let's go to the movies. Instead of _doing_ supernatural stuff all the time, let's _watch_ it!

Sam: DEAN! A man was _murdered_!

Dean: Screw that. I want a Big Mac.

_The Benders_

Pa Bender: Hey family, after watching _The Hills Have Eyes_, I fell in love with the cannibals. Let's do this shit for real!

Benders: YA!

Kid: Some big scary monster took that guy.

Dean: Boom! Boom! Shoot!

Pa Bender: Awwewrrrggthh! (dies)

Police officer: He died trying to escape.

_Shadow_

Meg: Whaddya know, I'm back! And I've got the sexy urge to kill! I'm controlling Daeva, see, Sam. It's not like your girlfriend who never existed had anything to say in the matter.

Sam: Go to Hell.

Meg: Maybe I'm a demon.

Dean: Jesus, Sam, after _seeing_ a demon-possessed guy blow up that plane we can't even tell whether someone is possessed or not?

Sam: Is she possessed?

Meg: No. I'm a demon in human form.

Sam: See.

Dean: Yep.

Meg: Now I'll go off to the edge of the roof and proclaim my Satanic cult to rule H... (stumbles off roof and falls seven floors down)

John: Hey kids, it's me.

Sam: What? Who the fuck are you?

John: I... am your father!

Sam: No... not you. Anyone but you.

John: Search your brain, you know it to be true.

Sam: You're lying. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Hell House_

Dean: Just like from _Scary Movie 2_!

Mordecai's ghost: Come to me you sexy bitches!

Sam: Why is everyone on this show so freakin' hot?

Dean: This ghost isn't a ghost, it's an agricultural phenonemon.

Sam: Don't you mean _psychological_ phenonemon?

Mordecai: RRRRROOAR!

Dean: (Shoots ghost)

_Something Wicked_

Dean: Remember the time when a big scary witch came into your room and Dad screamed the house down about me being out at bingo?

Sam: Bingo? At seven?

Dean: Well this thing's back. Look at all the ill, unconscious kids in this hospital. Definitely not flu, not a virus, not a bug... It's supernatural.

Sam: Where's the witch?

Shtriga: Funny how my name almost reads _shit_?

Dean: (kills it)

_Provenance_

Dean: Isaiah was the scapegoat when all his family were found with their throats cut. Not his daughter, obviously, an eight year old girl wouldn't kill anyone like that.

Sam: (Burns Isaiah) Bye Isaiah. Oh, and fuck you.

(Old woman killed)

Dean: What? We stopped this thing!

Sam: It's never over with _your_ tactics.

Dean: Oh look, a doll with human hair in a crypt. Obviously this ghost will die if we burn the hair... Oh look, it's dead. Aside from a hundred victims with slit throats, this trip worked out nicely. What a night.

_Dead Man's Blood_:

John Winchester: Vampires. That's what killed my friend. Vampires.

Dean: Oh shit, we're going into _Twilight_ aren't we?

(Vampire sex)

Luther the vampire: Can't we evil, superpredatory, bloodsucking fiends just live alongside you?

(More vampire sex)

Dean: Ooh... I don't think so.

John: This here is a weapon named after Samuel Colt. The Samuel Colt gun. Aka the Colt. It can kill any mindless, supernatural crap.

Dean: (fires)

Luther: Uugughgghgh fuck!

_Salvation_

Meg: I'm back and want your father. Not like I fell seven floors from a tower block.

Sam: You did.

Meg: Did I?

Priest: So what can I do for you, sexy lady?

Meg: I'm a demon. Does that make me a bad person?

Priest: I may be a pedo, but I can see you're evil!

_Devil's Trap_

Dean: _Christo_.

Meg: Unnnkhhh... (dies)

Sam: Notice how in recent episodes me being ignored by girls has been dramatically _lowered_?

John: Hey boys. Do your Holy Water first. I mean, I might be possessed.

Sam: (does so)

John/Azazel: Well you really should have listened to your father, Indy.

Sam: What the...?

John/Azazel: I see you've got the only possible weapon that could kill me and now I'm just going to _throw the Colt away_.

Sam: Why did you posses our dad?

John/Azazel: Nothing personal, Jack. It's just business.

Dean: You bastard.

John/Azazel: Your father's still in here with me. Trapped inside his _meatsuit_. That's another term from our TV show stolen by _Lost_.

John/Azazel: SHOOT ME, SAMMY! SHOOT ME NOW! YOU HAVE THE COLT!

Sam: (shoots him in the leg)

Azazel: (flees)

John: I'm surprised at you, Sam. I hate you. Fuck you. You could've killed that demon and all of this would be over.

(Truck smashes into them all and pounds their Impala into oblivion)

Truck driver: Why, hello. Just because I slammed a twenty-foot long truck into a teeny Impala doesn't mean I'm drunk. It means I'm _possessed_.


	2. Chapter 2

_In My Time of Dying_

(In hospital)

(Dean wakes up)

Dean: Hello? What? Hello? What? Is this like _28 Days Later_ or some shit?

Tessa the Reaper: HEEEEEEELLLLPPPPPP!

Dean: Oh look. You're human, so you must obviously be a ghost like me. I mean, not like I've met creatures in human form before.

Tessa: You're kinda cute. Wanna come to the Dead?

Dean: What? You're not human?

Sam: (To John) YOUR SON IS DYING AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE COLT!

(John and Azazel)

John: Can you heal my son, even though I know you demons love death and destruction for your own sakes, if I go to Hell?

Azazel: What? You want your son to be healed, but you don't want to spend any time with him? What kind of father are you?

(Azazel possesses Tessa)

Azazel: It's your lucky day, kid!

(Dean wakes up, John bites the dust)

_Everybody Loves a Clown_

Rakshasa: They all float down here, y'know!

Little girl: Look daddy, a pedophilic clown!

Dad: 

Dean: Now let's meet Ellen and her daughter Jo, two complete strangers we've never met or heard of before.

(Later)

Dean: Why thanks Ellen. Apparently it's a Rakshasa. An Indian demon. They sleep on a bed of insects.

Rakshasa: They all float down here!

Dean: Yes, we know that by now.

Rakshasa: I am the eater of worlds, and children! I am eternal, child! And you're next!

Dean: (Stabs it with a brass knife)

_Bloodlust_

(A direct rip-off from _Twilight_)

_Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things_

Random guy: I guess I'll resurrect my girlfriend as a mindless cannibal.

Sam: A zombie.

Angela the revenant: Since I can speak, I'm more of a _revenant_.

Dean: (Shoots her)

Dean: What's dead should stay dead.

_Simon Said_

Ansen Gallagher: (To businessman) Simon says... Rob a gunstore.

(Attempt fails)

Ansen: Simon says... Get run over by a bus.

(Attempt works)

Ansen: Simon says... Soak yourself in oil and burn yourself to death.

(Attempt works)

Ansen: Simon says... Throw yourself off a dam. Damn!

(Attempt fails; Ansen is shot)

_No Exit_

Dean: Let's put Jo's life in danger by taking her to an obviously haunted tower block. I mean Jo is a complete stranger.

Jo: (fiddling with her dead dad's knife)

Dean: WILL YOU STOP FIDDLING WITH THAT KNIFE?

Jo: (Hands it with the obvious inscription to him)

Sam: Damn Dean, did you do _any_ history lessons?

HH Holmes: I'm back from the dead fellas! OH SHIT NOT SALT I'M ALLERGIC TO THE STUFF! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

_The Usual Suspects_

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Find my gulllp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Killer find gulpp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Your boyfriend k gulppp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Sam: Listen lady, just shut up for a moment will you?

_Crossroad Blues_

Crossroad demon: _...And then they formed the band called Tenacious D, and they found the Pick of Destiny!_

Dean: Call off your dog, bitch, and I'll sell my soul.

Crossroad demon: _It's fucking insane!_

_Croatoan_

Max Brooks: Think of a zombie, as a walking, biting, guided missile.

(_28 Days Later _ripoff)

_Hunted_

Sam: So, what did Dad tell you before he died?

Dean: ...He said to kill you if you fucked up shit.

Sam: ...I forgive you.

(Leaves looking for the Paranormal People)

Ava: Forgive me if I freak you out, but I saw you die in my dream!

Sam: You're hot, come with me.

Gordon Walker, vampire hunter: ...What sort of sick son of a bitch would you have to be to turn against your own race? So I take pleasure in doing this despite saying I did not. I've concoted the best way to kill Sam... by blowing him up.

(Sam blows his shoes up)

Gordon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Sam: No, look, I've dealt with Gordon.

(Gordon's arrested)

(Uber-PWN)

_Playthings_

(Ripoff of _The Shining's_ Overlook Hotel)

_Psycho_ ripoff, 'xcept with dolls

_Nightshifter_

Ronald Reznick: Did I mention I look like Jack Black? Plus I'm convinced this eye thingy means our suspect is a mandroid.

Dean: There's no such thing. We _are_ posing as FBI, after all.

Ronald: There's no such thing either. _You're with the Men in Black_!

Sam: Now, listen here...

Ronald: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!

(In bank)

Ronald: IN THE BANK, ALL OF YOU! DESPITE MY ACTIONS, THIS IS NOT A RAID! DESPITE THE FACT I HAVE A GUN, I'M NOT KILLING _ANYONE_, APART FROM THE MANDROID!

Dean: I've been telling you all along, it's a shapeshifter.

Shapeshifter: I've taken on a woman's form just to confuse you.

Dean: I shot your brother in St Lois, and I'll kill you too!

Shapeshifter: You're nuts. Plus, the cops are outside. You're dead.

Dean: If the cops are girls, that's awesome.

(Shoots shapeshifter)

_Houses of the Holy_

Girl: An angel told me to kill, so I killed. I just blindly follow orders even though I am not a soldier.

Father Gregory's Ghost: Murder in my name, Sam! _I am an angel_!

Sam: No you're not. Men can't be angels.

Father Gregory: I must be.

Sam: I call upon Archangel Raphael to eat this salt!

Father Gregory: NO! NOT SALT!

(Vanishes)

_Born Under a Bad Sign_

(Sam kills hunter)

(Sam goes beserk and eats raw meat)

Dean: You're possessed.

Sam: (to Jo) Your dad was shot by my dad. For some reason he was already shot by cops when my dad shot him. For some reason I know all this and haven't told you before.

Dean: That's cos you're possessed!

Meg/Sam: Remember me? I have lots of names.

Dean: ...Meg. I remember you even though there's no reason I should.

Meg/Sam: I'm not Meg anymore. I will never tell you my real name.

Dean: _Christo_!

Meg/Sam: That doesn't work. I don't give a shit about the Apocalypse. That can suck balls. I can now bind myself to my human body!

Dean: I'll stab you then!

Meg/Sam: You kill me... you kill Sam.

Dean: I will kill you... I will not kill him!

(Meg is exorcised)

Dean: Dude, you had a girl in you for a week.

_Tall Tales_

Gabriel: Heh heh, due to the impossibly slow thoughtless writing of this series, I am actually the Archangel Gabriel, but whaddya know, you'll never find out until an episode before my death!

Bobby: Quit bickering on like an old couple. Aliens don't exist. It's a trickster, dumbass. A Pagan god.

Dean: Like Anansi?

Sam: Like Brer Rabbit?

Fat Charlie: Like Anansi Boys?

Gabriel: I like you, Dean. Like my sexy hallucinations?

Dean: ...Not bad. (Stabs Gabriel)

Dean: ...Now let's get the Hell out before they find this corpse.

Bobby: You're just leaving the corpse there?

Gabriel: ...But they never know I can replicate myself!

_Roadkill_

Molly: HELP!

Sam: I don't think she even knows she's dead.

Dean: I hate you, Moll. You're a ghost so you're evil.

Molly: I'm not a ghost!

Sam: Ghosts aren't evil. They're just confused.

Molly: Where's my hubby?

Sam: He's alive.

Molly: (Sees him with another woman) Guess I'm dead after all.

(walks into the Afterlife)

Dean: ...My dad used to say that was the death of ghosts.

_Heart_

(Werewolf attack)

Madison: I'm Miss Normal. I have no lunatic tendencies.

Sam: You're smart, so if (_Transformers_ line here) Trent's such a jerk, why do you hang out with him?

Madison: ...You know what, I'm just going out to walk.

Dean: Her boyfriend's a werewolf, y'know.

Madison: Look, Sam, do you think... do you think I'm shallow?

Sam: No, no. I think... (another _Transformers_ line) I think there's a lot more to you then meets the eye.

Madison: (Transforms into werewolf) Bite me.

Sam: ! (Shoots her)

_Hollywood Babylon_

Trailer: They never forgive... they never forget... And now this summer, they are back again to finish the job... again... From the director of _Monster Truck_, _Charlie's Angels_ etc...

(Ghost kills guy)

(Actress screams)

Actor: Now that's what I'm talking about!

Dean: I want to dip in the jacuzzi. That's why we came to LA

Sam: Not exactly swimming pool weather, Dan?

Dean: (Looks at him quizzically)

(Later)

Sam: A girl committed suicide in the 1930s by jumping off the ''H'' in ''Hollywood.''

Dean: Talk about dramatic.

_Folsom Prison Blues_

Dean: Let's get ourselves arrested to investigate some ghost.

Sam: Out of all the insane things we've done, this is by far the craziest.

Dean: Let's make cupcakes.

(Prisoner killed)

Dean: ...And now I feel bad about kicking his ass after he beat you up, Sammy.

(Find corpse of ghost and burn it)

_What Is and What Should Never Be_

Djinn: No, not a demon, but an alternate reality. (Zaps Dean)

Dean: Lucky mojo, baby, I've got a family! My mum's alive! HEY, BITCH, WHAT DID YOU USE TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED?

Mary: Angles were watching over you.

Dean: Shit, man, I'm not living the dream. Right planet, wrong universe.

Married Sam: Whass wrong, brother?

Dean: We don't get along for some reason.

Djinn: Time to wake up now.

Dean: (Kills it)

_All Hell Breaks Loose_

Part One

Sam: WTF? Oh shit I can't even go into a _cafe_ without being abducted by demons.

Dean: Where the fuck is Sam? Bobby, look, you gotta help!

Ash: Hey, I have some info for you! Come on over!

(They get there, house is blown up and Ash is dead. His burned hands are in the ruins - maybe a reference to _Evil Dead II_?)

Dean: Shit.

Bobby: This just gets better and better.

Sam: Where the fuck am I now?

Jake: It's a town so haunted everybody fled.

Ava: Then what are _we_ doing here?

Sam: You were possessed by a demon and killed your hubby, you know that.

Lilly: I killed my _girlfriend_!

Andy: Aw cool... a lesbian.

Lilly: Fuck you! This is _not my problem_! I'm out of here!

Acheri demon: Not on my watch.

(Kills her)

Sam: Just so you know... that's a demon.

Jake: I went to sleep in Afghanistan, if that makes you any better.

Azazel: Sorry to interrupt your little union party, but can I speak for a moment, Sammy?

Sam: No-one calls me that but Dean!

Azazel: I want you to bring about the Apocalypse.

Sam: ...How?

Part Two

Bobby: DIE YOU BITCH! Oh shit, it's Ellen.

Ellen: Thank God I found you, despite the fact you were about to kill me! Anyway, I had some demons chasing me.

Dean: Hellhound on your tail?

Ellen: (Stares at him)

Bobby: Sam's at a ghost town. For all we know he could _be_ a ghost.

Azazel: I have big plans for you Sam, you and all the children like you.

Sam: Cut the crap and let's get started with us psychics all killing each other.

Ava: (Kills Andy)

Ava: (Screams)

Ava: (Acts innocent)

Ava: (Killed by Jake)

Jake: (Kills Sam)

Dean: OK, Crossroads demon, come and let me make a deal with the Devil!

Crossroads demon: I'll give you a year, one year, and Sam's back right now.

(Sam's back right now)

Sam: I want to kill Jake!

Azazel: Now Jake, you can cross that railway line that Samuel Colt made himself to keep out demons. It all boils down to Mr Colt, doesn't it? As I'm a demon, I cannae cross. Shoot me, Jake. This gun, the Colt, is the only thing that can kill me!

Jake: (tries to, nothing comes out)

Jake: ...OK, I'll open the gate of Hell.

(Does so)

Sam: Jake, you've opened the gate of Hell. Hope you're happy.

Jake: I killed you, you son of a bitch.

Sam: (Shoots Jake)

Bobby: Oh shit... it's Hell. Take cover, now!

(Gate unlocks)

_WTF BOOM!_

(Demons explode out)

Azazel: I'm really proud of you, Sammy. You're the strongest.

Dean: Suck it, you bastard. (Shoots Azazel dead)

John's ghost: Hi kids. (Goes to Heaven)

(Bobby closes gate of Hell)

Dean: I have a year to live Sam.

Sam: Fuck this. It's a crap job and the pay is shit.


	3. Chapter 3

_The Magnificent Seven_

Dean: What's in the box?

Lucifer: Aw, easy there, Anger!

Anger: RAWWWWRRRRR!

Lucifer: Oh God, he's in here again. What a bunch of sins I have working for me. I suppose it's the wages.

Lucifer: Easy there, Lust. You've got an appointment down at the foreign office. You saw the husband, it was Sloth.

Sloth: Mumble.

Lust: Easy!

Lucifer: How about Avarice and Gluttony, two lovely girls?

Avarice: ...I don't even remember _being_ in this episode!

Gluttony: ...And actually I'm a _guy_.

Pride: Did you honestly think that something like _that_ would work on somebody like _me_? I mean, _me_?

Lucifer: And how envious I am of... Envy.

Envy: We're not Sins, man, we're natural human instincts!

Tamara: (Shoots him)

Bobby: How about the man?

Tamara Drewe: He didn't make it.

Bobby: Uh, Tamara. It's a dangerous world out there now, thanks to me. Demons in human form. Forgone their own shapes. Anyone could be a demon.

Tamara: (Alarmingly cheerful) OK!

_The Kids Are Alright_

Changeling: I'm packing up a sucker punch; not going down without a fight!

Dean: ...But who says I ain't?

Changeling: WTF BOOM!

Lisa: Uh... Dean...

Ben: Led Zep rules!

Dean: Uh... is he my kid? Just cos he's eight?

Lisa: FUCK OFF OUT OF HERE.

_Bad Day at Black Rock_

Dean: Guess it sounds like a horror movie, but this is actually the funniest episode yet.

Bella: Guess your rabbit's foot isn't working yet.

Sam: (Falls over)

Sam: (Falls on his stumma)

Sam: (Loses his shoe)

Sam: (Is struck by electricity)

Dean: ...You OK Sammy?

Sam: It's _Sam_.

(Burn rabbit's foot)

Dean: That was almost too easy.

Bella: (Shoots Sam)

_Sin City_

Dean: Town full of drunk girls. Vice and sex abound. Love it. Nothing wrong with this place, even though old Father Gil is flirting with a girl ten years youngah.

Father Gil: The Lord brings me here.

Dean: O...K.

Sam: Look, I know there's demons here.

Dean: Fuck off.

Casey: Your brother's right, bitch.

Dean: Uh fuck... (shoots her)

Father Gil: FUCK!

Dean: You're a demon too?

Father Gil: How else do you explain black eyes, bitch?

Dean: (shoots him)

_Bedtime Stories_

Boyfriend: Rawr, even though we're tired and hungry and lost, let's go and visit this creepy old house inhabited by an even _creepier_ old lady!

Girlfriend: Uh... no.

Boyfriend: Come on, she invited us in!

(Boyfriend gets stabbed to death by old lady)

(In hospital)

Girlfriend: I was being stabbed multiple times, and even though I was in terrible pain and having my stomach carved open and even though I had just eaten, even though I was having my stomach carved open all I could think of was this little girl standing in the doorway and what the fuck she was doing there. Even though I was in terrible, terrible pain, that was all I noticed for some reason.

Dean: It's a ghost.

Sam: That explains it.

_Red Sky at Morning_

Bella: Red Sky at Morning... a sailor's warning.

Sailor's ghost: Red Sky at Night... a ghost's delight!

_Fresh Blood_

Gordon Walker: Whaddya know, I'm escaped from prison, even though you never saw no such thing! Vampire bastards, come and get me!

(Is kidnapped)

Gordon: You killed my sis, even though I don't even know you.

Vampire: You're famous among our kind, Gordon Walker. Gordon Walker vampire hunter, become Gordon Walker, vampire!

Gordon: FUCK! Aw, I suddenly want blood!

Sam: (decapitates Gordon)

Sam: That worked out nice, don't you think. He could never kill me straight, me being the hero. All he did was _talk_.

_A Very Supernatural Christmas_

Jack Skellington: What's this? What's this? There's frost everywhere what's this? There's children throwing snowballs, instead of throwing heads, they're busy building toys, and absolutely no-one's dead!

Sam: I hate Christmas. Even though it's your last Christmas on Earth, I want to make you pissed.

Dean: It's working.

_Malleus Malfericum_

Dean: Girl got killed.

Sam: It's a witch.

Dean: I hate witches!

Sam: Ding dong, the witch is dead!

Tammi the demon: I guess Ruby never told you... she sold her soul to me.

Dean: So does that mean... all demons were once human?

Ruby: For some absurd reason, yes.

Dean: They killed fallen angels! The bastards!

_Dream a Little Dream of Me_

Dean: No, not the song from _Glee_, but the _Supernatural_ eppy.

Maid: Sir... wake up.

Bobby: (sleeps)

Maid: HOLY FUCK I NEED HELP IMMEDIATELY THIS MAN WILL NOT WAKE UP EVEN THOUGH HE COULD'VE JUST BEEN OVERSLEEPING! FUCK!

Bobby: (sleeps)

Dean: I guess we enter his dream then.

Sam: As we're about to drink something what looks like coffee, and we added something of Bobby's hair into it... isn't this like the scene from _Chamber of Secrets_?

(In dream)

Dean: Bobby! You're dreaming! Snap out of it!

Bobby: What? This isn't real?

Dean: NO!

Bobby: (points at dead wife) Does... that look real?

Dean: No.

(pointless half hour later)

Dean: I don't get it... are you me?

Evil Dean: You are... good Dean. Whereas _I_ am Evil Dean!

Dean: (wakes)

_Mystery Spot_

Dean: Wakey wakey Sam!

Sam: I had this dream a hundred times, and you die.

Dean: Whaaaa? (Is run over)

Dean: (Is hit by a bus)

Dean: (Is hit by a piano)

Dean: (Is decapited)

Dean: (Is electrocuted)

Dean: (Chokes on sausage)

Sam: For some reason it's the Trickster!

Gabriel: That it is.

_Jus in Bello_

Dean: Fuck.

Sam: Demons.

Victor Henrikksen: Attacking.

Nancy: Station.

Ruby: Sacrifice the virgin, bitches!

Sam: NO. Nobody's killing any virgins!

Victor and Nancy: (killed by Lilith)

Ruby: ...Now see where your plan led to.

_Ghostfacers_

Sam: Who you gonna call?

Ed: Somebody else!

Harry: ...What a pair of dicks.

Ed: They erased our footage!

Both: FUCK!

Dean: The world just wasn't ready.

Sam: Yep. It sucked.

_Long Distance Call_

Crocotta: Come to me come to me come to me come to me come to me come to me come to me

(_The Grudge_ moment)

Sam: (kills Crocotta)

Sam: And I did this all without Dean's help.

_Time is on My Side_

Doctor Benton: LIFE! GIVE MY BODY... LIFE!

Dean: Actually, you're not immortal, you're just cutting bits from people.

Sam: That is sick.

Bella: Gimme the Colt!

Dean: You had it.

Bella: I killed my parents thanks to a demon.

Dean: You bitch...

Bella: (is dragged to Hell)

_No Rest for the Wicked_

Lilith: Actually, there is.

Dean: Thirty hours left. Let's hunt a demon. What do demons do for fun?

Lilith: We possess little girls.

Dean: You pervert. Your face is awful.

Lilith: My evil family acted uncomfortably around me so I killed them. That's the way our American cinema works.

Dean: (Acts uncomfortably)

Lilith: (kills him)

Sam: YOU BITCH! (Exorcizes her)

Ruby: WTF BOOM? (Collapses dead)

Sam: Brother, can you spare two dimes? (When I should be like Waaaaaaaaaa waaaaa my brother's dead waaaaaaaa)

Dean: Sorry brother, can't hear you. I is chillin' in Hell.


End file.
